thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
