At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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