He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
