Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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