boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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