My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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