dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
