Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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