just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
