I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
