Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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