Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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