apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
