Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
