college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
