i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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