i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
