so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
