Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
