Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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