Only a mothe r could love this liver
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize