Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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