Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
