I looked at my own cervix.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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