Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
