I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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