last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
