He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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