thus making me awesome and them whores
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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