Farmville is her only friend.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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