even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
