Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
