he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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