i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
They took my balls.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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