I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
