whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
