There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
