dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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