This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
