woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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