I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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