..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
