You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
