As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
