I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
