Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
