Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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