It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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