he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
