I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
