Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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