umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
