I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Can you bring me the toilet please
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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