this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
