Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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