If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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