Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
