Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
