who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
