do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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